Family, friends, blog readers - I cried this morning reading some of your comments and realizing that a lot of you are dealing with depression, anxiety, and OCD and just not talking about it. It is time to TALK ABOUT IT. It is nothing to be ashamed of - it is what it is. Keep the comments coming because it means the world to me and I bet there are more people reading those comment that appreciate this small community of crazies (I say that with complete love) finally coming out of the cracks....
Yesterday was a shit show.
God, where do I even start. I had the best intentions - a positive attitude. I had to go into work for a student meeting. That little fucker was 25-minutes late. If your boss has OCD trust me, you should always be 5 minutes early. I let the emotions of anger and frustration caused by this meeting take over. I need to learn to control these in a healthier way. Instead they boiled over and caused a chain reaction of cortisol-induced stress responses that lasted the entire day.
After my meeting I sped to the local bakery with full intentions to stuff a glorious double chocolate chip muffin in my face. They didn't have any so I got this yogurt parfait instead. But, I didn't want a fucking yogurt parfait. I ate this knowing full well that I would spend the rest of the day trying to get my sugar fix. Damn you, cortisol.
I drove to a local yoga studio and signed up for a mindful meditation course, which was recommended by my therapist. It starts Monday and I can't wait for it to solve all of my problems. Oh wait, that is too optimistic....
I also spent half an hour talking to an herbalist (one of those hippie-dippie types that doesn't shave her armpits and I secretly want to be her) about my issues. I told her I'm on one too many pharmaceuticals and she recommended miriad of alternative options. Now, I'm a scientist and I realize these aren't FDA approved or whateverthefuck. But, the FDA approved meds aren't doing shit so what the hell. I purchased probiotics (serotonin is produced IN THE GUT people), milky oat extract (for stress relief), and holy basil (which aids in balancing cortisol levels).
I left there feeling optimistic, but sugar still ruling my brain. The rest of the afternoon turned into a shit show of massive bowls of frozen yogurt, granola, chocolate covered pretzels. I ate them so fast and with such denial (I do this disassociation thing) that I didn't bother snapping pictures. Just imagine a big pile of sugar and that is what I ate. I went home, collapsed in my bed and declared my fucked up brain the winner.
I made this realization about running while chatting with a friend about my crazies in bed. I also realized that I need to talk more to my friends. I tend to isolate and friends (given they are good ones) make me happy.
I didn't cook my boyfriend dinner, I didn't work out, I ate more shit, I drank more shit, and I went to bed early. Try again tomorrow.
Day 3. This is Day 3 and this is what I know. Those same fucking birds are chirping. I took all of my pills - pharmaceuticals, hippie-dippie herbs, and green food included. My body feels tired from yesterday. But, today is a new day to learn so I am picking myself up and trying again.
This is me, readjusting.
First off, thank you all for the comments and support. I find a huge amount of comfort in knowing that some of you understand where I am coming from and are behind me. I almost didn't hit publish yesterday, and now I am glad I did.
Day 1 started off pleasantly enough. I felt like a European traveler when I donned my backpack and took the 35 minute walk from my house to Earth Fare.
Something about this was so releasing though. I mean, I live in a city where we drive. We driving fucking everywhere. We drive to the corner store where it takes longer to get in your car, start it, drive, find a fucking parking spot, and walk to the store than it would have to just get off your lazy ass and walk there. Plus, driving makes me automatically feel rushed (hello, cortisol). Yesterday, I walked and I felt calm and reflective.
I had these thoughts though - I should do this more often even when I am not crazy. You know? Take a moment and walk somewhere and just look around and let my mind marinade on life for a moment.
After my journey I went and sat with my juice, watched all the normal people on their lunch break. Me? Me, I'm not working today (or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow), but I am here to THINK and to WRITE. That sounds luxurious - but I wish I was them. I bet they wish they were me. If they only knew....
I did a whole bunch of other positive and normal shit. I had lunch with a friend, I found this bad ass free library thing that I took a book from to read - I think today I'll walk and take one back.
I went and visited a friend and held her fresh baby. I look HAPPY, no? I think I definitely was in that moment. Babies are the shit, btw.
And then I got home, and I was alone and my brain did its lovely thing where it makes me feel super out of control (I call them 'spins'). This particular spin ended with my hands deep in a Costco-sized tub of mixed nuts, a skipped weight-lifting session, and drinking two beers. Pop a pill and call it a night. Try again tomorrow.
Day 2. This is Day 2 and this is what I know. It is a beautiful day and the birds are still chirping. I am getting my nails done later and I anticipate a solid cardio workout. Why? Well - I ate a pound of cashews yesterday and I feel like shit. Let's be real.
This is me, readjusting.
You have full permission to stop reading my blog. Like right now, I don't give a shit. Because things are about to change because I have some serious changing to do and I need to write about it because that is what I do. I don't really know who follows this blog. I mean, I love all of you, but sometimes life hits you like a fucking train and you have to readjust.
This is me, readjusting.
I had a hard semester. And by hard I mean reallyfuckinghard. I lost sight of who I was, what made me happy, what made my life sing. I lost it and I need to get it back. Hell, I even lost my camera so you don't get any pictures today. Today, I begin that journey. Like for real, I asked for a leave of absence from work and this is what I am doing.
This is me, readjusting.
Here are some truths. I have acronyms and I have them bad: IBS, GAD, OCD. Look it up. My biggest issues surround the two things this blog originated around - food and fitness. This blog became a shrine to them. Iamobsessedwiththesethingsandthisisnotokay. My Pinterest board and my Twitter account and most all of the blogs I follow revolve around food and fitness. And, I'm sorry I love all of you and the past two years of following this world has taught me a remarkable amount about myself. But, I can't do it anymore. I am deleting my blog list. I fear reading and writing and documenting all my food has only exacerbated my obsession. I'm starting fresh. A clean slate, if you will. DELETE.
This is me, readjusting.
Day 1. This is Day 1 and this is what I know. It is a beautiful day and the air is cool and the fucking birds are chirping. I am going to take an exorbitantly long walk and maybe get some green juice not because it is trendy, but because it makes me FEEL ALIVE. One day at a time I will remember what it is that makes me happy. One day at a time I will find my way.
This is me, readjusting.
Can you please bear with me for a moment, dear blog readers? Because I need to do some life experimenting. I need to do some personal exploration. I need to not follow my pattern of posting on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I need to not cook every weekend and maybe not share what or what I am not eating on Wednesday's. I need to not feel bound to this.
I hope you understand if there are days in a row when you don't see an updated post. Or when the posts take a different shape than you may be used to. Maybe my posts will become more serious, maybe less so. No offense, but sometimes I post only for you - when I created this blog for me.
That's the thing about life. It changes, you change, and for those of us with blogs - those will probably change too. Not better, not worse, just different.
Confession 1.
I bought these obnoxiously expensive pillows online and, after unpacking them, left them in the middle of my living room on the floor for three entire weeks before moving them to my bed where they belong.
Confession 2.
During the work week, my sink often looks like this (sorry, dad).
Oh, so you want to know what I ate because it is Wednesday? A bunch of food I didn't take a picture of and this...
...chocolate-dream cupcake, which was so amazing it deserves not only this picture, but its own photo shoot.
My Mom and Dad are obsessed with Bang Bang Shrimp from Bonefish Grill. I agree, they are delicious. But, I have two problems with this delicious dinner: they aren't the healthiest dinner you've ever had and, my biggest issue, I don't have a Bonefish where I live! So, this dinner creation - a healthy version of bang bang shrimp made in my own kitchen is just for you, Mom and Dad.
Figure 3. Sunday night's dinner: skinny bang bang shrimp (I used Greek yogurt instead of mayonnaise for the sauce and they were great!), Asian cabbage mango slaw, and brown basmati rice. Of course, this isn't a perfect replacement for the real thing - but a pretty fantastic and healthy substitute that I will be making again.
