Wednesday, April 17, 2013

what i ate wednesday: the binge

I wasn't going to post today. I'm embarrassed, people. 

But, the more I thought about it the more I realized that I needed to give my experience from yesterday a voice. A voice because I know that this happens to many of you and we don't talk about it. We feel ashamed, embarrassed, and out of control. I feel these things too, but balls to the wall here is 'What I ate Wednesday: the binge day'.

The day started normally enough, with a typical breakfast of cereal and fruit and a lunch of leftover healthy broccoli salad made with Greek yogurt.

I even managed to have a healthy and filling snack of Greek yogurt and a carefully measured tablespoon of peanut butter.

My day was stressful. Like tear your hair out stressful. In fact, right now my life is more stressful than it has ever been and I can't workout because I have a stress fracture in my heel from over-running and I am struggling with how to deal with it I am in panic mode. Some days, I am ok. But, yesterday I came home at five in the afternoon with an overwhelmed  feeling of not knowing what to do with myself and my severely anxious energy. So, I thought a glass of wine and a bowl of cereal would comfort me.

It didn't. It didn't because my emotions are so much deeper and so much stronger than a bowl of f*cking cereal. 

But, at the moment I didn't know that and I thought a second bowl would do the trick. Well, my friends - it turned into a massive sh*t show of granola + cereal + yogurt + peanut butter + cool whip and I can't even talk about the details. Like eating directly out of the container-style. Easter candy may have been involved. I'm not even kidding. You know, right? You've been there, right?

In the end, I felt nothing but gross and exhausted and passed out at 8 PM feeling not better, but worse. Much worse. Ashamed, guilty, worse.

Today, I have choices. But, I have decided to move on. I (god knows why) will publish this awkward and way-too-truthful post for the world to know my weakness (ok I know why because someone has to talk about it and it might as well be me). I could eat 0 calories and work out like a beast to compensate for my binge. But, no. I won't. 

I just ate my normal breakfast and will focus on hydration, fresh food, and treating my body with respect. Yesterday, I abused my body. Today, I need to be nice. Super duper nice. Nice in the form of water, and vegetables, fruit, and lean protein. Moderate exercise and sunshine. Finally, I need to spend time reflecting on the emotions behind the binge. It isn't food that is the problem (or solution) at all. It is something deeper, something larger. I need to explore this and more than anything I owe it to myself to move on. I am okay. If this speaks to you and you find yourself in this situation today or in the future - you are okay, too.

And this, my friends, is what I ate Tuesday, April 16.


  1. Thank you for posting this. So many of us struggle with food, in some form or another, so to know that we're not alone is always reassuring. Food and eating are such loaded topics, and it's very refreshing to hear them treated as such - not just a 24/7 littany of yum oatmeal yum salad yum lean protein and vegetables, like some blogs tend to be. You know? Sometimes we use them as fuel, sometimes we use them as a way to soothe anxiety, but the world goes on. Today will be better, I promise.

  2. Sweetheart, I know how hard it can be to not run (oh do I ever), but you just need to let your body heal. If you need to vent, or just want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me "". <3

  3. I know how difficult it can be to publish these honest posts, but I thank you for it, and I hope that getting your thoughts out there helped in the healing process as well. We all go through hard times and do things we later regret, but I love that you're not falling into the vicious cycle and turning to restriction to compensate. Big hugs for you, hun.

  4. Thank you, Sara.
    I know how difficult this was to post but please know that your'e not alone. I've been there. Hell, I was there last week. The past month has been beyond stressful and, as a result, I've turned to food for comfort on multiple occasions. It's embarrassing but we have to remember that we're only human. It happens and everything is going to be okay. The most important thing is that you're not falling victim to the trap of restricting to compensate- so proud of you for that.
    Sending hugs your way. <3

  5. Yes, Sara, you ARE okay! You're no less of an amazing, kind, wonderful person for having had this happen. Thanks for posting this downright honest post because you're right: Many of us have been there and you're an inspiration in how you decided to deal with it. Not by restricting - as that'd only make things worse if anything - but being gentle and forgiving with yourself. Yes, I've been there, too, and it's always been deeper issues that needed working on. I hope today's going much better for you.
    Sending you the biggest hug I can!

  6. Thank you, thank you for publishing this. I injured my knee and can't work out -- it's driving me nuts as workouts are my typical form of stress release. As someone who's always been very (read: overly) careful with food & exercise, last night I ate almost an entire jar of peanut butter and felt terrible about myself. It's so comforting to know I'm not alone. Thank you. We will both heal, work out again, and learn that it's OK to have slip-ups, to not be perfect, and to have "rough patches" in our lives where things don't go as planned. We will get through them.

  7. Happens to all of us, especially during stressful times! Don't be too hard on yourself! Kudos for publishing this...sometimes I think bloggers really hide their "unperfect" days.

  8. I know soooo many people who can relate to this. I posted a similar post about my night-time binge-eating disorder. it's hard. like really hard. like I wish I knew a word better than hard that is a notch down from nearly impossible. you become vulnerable to your core. "this should be easy" they tell us. "you just need will power" they say. it's a load of bullshit. it's hard. there are good days and bad days and days in between, but by sharing them we acknowledge them and don't let these experiences control us. thanks for being brave and posting, it's very needed!

  9. This was such a well-written post and one that needs to come about more often in the healthy living blog community. We all have rough days, none of us are perfect! Thank you so much for your honesty and transparency, it truly is a breath of fresh air. Hope your week is getting better!

  10. Thank you for posting this. I know I have been through similar binge situations. You can't change what's in the past but you can do the next right thing, which is what you did. Knowing how hard that is myself, I am proud of you.

  11. Thanks for your honesty! I usually post for WIAW but I didn't today and I even mentioned on my blog that I didn't because it was a day filled with junk eating... I mean bad! So, it is so encouraging to see I am not alone in this struggle at times.

    Sorry you are having a stressful time right now. :(

  12. I'm so sorry you had a rough day yesterday Sara. It happens to all of us! But that's great that you're not dwelling on it and just moving on. That's all you can really do. I hope today was better for you! :)

  13. Aww sweetie I'm so sorry you are having a rough time right now. Big hugs coming from me!

    Thank you for posting this! I do this sometimes too, usually because I'm sad and you're right, we feel ashamed and try to hide from it. You are incredibly strong for sharing this and honestly it provided me with so much comfort and made me feel less alone!

  14. Oh honey, I know EXACTLY how you feel! Been there, done that, got the (stain on my) t-shirt to prove it. It's never pretty. It went on for years. I never saw one coming. Never knew what was happening until I was elbow deep in a box of cereal...reaching, searching for anything to soothe me. Of course that "soothing" feeling lasted a mere minutes...then I would feel mentally AND physically disgusted. The guilt would set in. I would beat myself up over it for the rest of the night, promising to be "better" tomorrow. I never realized until just recently that I was using the food to hide from my feelings. And well, the fact that I diligently measured out each and every serving size of every morsel that entered my mouth didn't help me any. Because as soon as that one handful was in my mouth...that one UNMEASURED handful, it was like the shot of a gun...I was off!

    I'm so glad that you can already see that there is something deeper in this. Something that you need to address as far as your feelings go. And I'm so proud of you for seeing that you aren't a bad person for this...there is no reason to "make up for it" the next you said, you OWE it to yourself to move on!

    I admire your courage in sharing this. You are a beautiful person, Sara, and I hope you are able to uncover those bad feelings, deal with them, and banish them from your life for good! *hugs*

  15. Thank you, so very much. Hearing your honesty has brought me to tears, for today, your day was my day. I will awake tomorrow feeling stronger as I know I am not alone. Thank you.