Saturday, March 16, 2013

a serious interjection: on solitude

I found myself craving their voices, laughter. I wanted to be in a room and know someone was near me. I wanted my nephew's loud, yet shockingly beautiful voice to fill my ears. I wanted my mom in the kitchen and the smell of her cooking to fill the house. I spent a week surrounded by my family and I loved it.

But then I get this ache. This ache in myself of which part of me feels ashamed. I lovelovelove my family, but after a few days, a piece of me starts to need solitude. This is who I am.

So I bid farewell to my favorite people in the world and said I had to leave for no other reason than to relax, alone. They love and know me well enough to understand and let me go.

 (image)

I drove home and entered my beautifully quiet house. I threw my bags on the ground and laced up my running shoes and clocked 4 easy, sunny, relaxing miles. I didn't have to explain to anyone how I needed these miles - I just did them. I planned 3 ambitious (but not too ambitious) and healthy (but not too healthy) meals for myself. I headed to my favorite food stores where I took an obscene amount of time to browse the produce aisles and comment to complete strangers on the beauty of the apples. They agreed.

I chatted with the man at the fish counter and told him I needed tilapia for one. He picked out the best filet for me. I know the folks at the bakery. They laughed when I told them how much I enjoyed the last cupcake I bought there and offered me free samples of Irish Soda bread drowned in butter while we decided what cupcake I needed tonight. Double chocolate for the win. I lingered, picked out a nice bottle of wine, and headed home alone. I showered, threw on my rattiest and comfiest pajamas, and turned on HGTV. 

When alone, I do these things without thinking. They bring me joy, despite their ridiculousness. When I'm around other people I worry about what they would think that I wear my PJ's and pour myself a glass of wine at 5 in the afternoon. Alone, I do it and I am happy.

After an hour on the couch I rise to start the slow and therapeutic process of cooking myself dinner. There will be too much food and most people would probably just get take out, but I love this process. Chopping and whisking. Transforming separate ingredients into something wonderful. I have a chocolate cupcake waiting for me and I don't have to share it. This is the perfect evening. I need this.

A Serious Interjection: there is nothing wrong or shameful about needing moments alone. They refuel me, refresh me, and most importantly, make me happy. As I write this post I am still reveling in my alone-ness. And, when I turn on the TV to watch the Pioneer Woman at 10 on a Saturday morning while baking unnecessary treats and drinking too much black coffee I will not feel ashamed or guilty - I will simply feel happy.


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Previous serious interjections:
on perfection 

on disappointment 
on persistence

15 comments:

  1. Love this post! I have to remind myself not to feel guilty about spending a day of my weekend completely by myself. My job involved a lot of interaction with people, and all I want to do by the time the weekend comes is recharge, alone. It doesn't mean I'm a loser, or that I don't like people, or that I'm lazy. It's just my wiring. Thanks for sharing!

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  2. As much as I love my family and friends, I wouldn't be able to handle constantly being around them. I live by myself now and love my solitude so much that sometimes I worry how I'm going to cope with having to live with someone. Eep.

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    1. haha i'm working my way through this same process now. :)

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  3. A beautiful post, Sara! Taking time to do jut what you feel like, not being accountable to anybody and treat yourself is important. However much I love my family I - and they - know we all need time to "recharge" after family gatherings. It's enjoying the simple pleasures in solitude at times that makes us pleasant company when we're around others.

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  4. Beautifully written! We are so much alike in this way! True introverts ;)

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    1. thanks. i thought of you while i was writing this. :)

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  5. I 100% agree (and I love your writing style in this post btw!). We all need alone time otherwise we'd go crazy. And for the record, your day and night sounds heavenly to me!

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    1. thanks for the kind words about my writing style.

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  6. Sara this is such a great post! I think it's really important for us to get some solitude times alone. This was like reading a book....very well written.

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  7. I am an introvert by nature and I find myself needed a lot of alone time and it's a challenge to not feel guilty about it at times. But like you, I need it or I don't feel centered or happy. I need to indulge in myself, be alone with my thoughts and do exactly what i want to do without worrying what others will think. I think your day sounds blissful and perfect. Thank you for sharing this!

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  8. Excellent post. I'm vastly different from you in terms of the needing of solitude, however I'm staying ALONE in a hotel, in town on Thursday and am SO excited by the prospect of doing that alone, grown up thing.

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  9. Love this post. I need solitude too and I sometimes feel guilty taking time for myself...though I usually get over that feeling pretty quickly. I was a bit of a hermit yesterday and it was really nice. I love that the people at your bakery know you!!

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  10. Hey I'm Quincy over at Shugurcän. I really like your blog and wanted to nominate it for the Liebster Award! http://shugurcan.blogspot.com/2013/03/my-first-award.html

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  11. This was powerful. I spend a lot of time alone and I enjoy 80% of it until I start feeling lonely. But most of it is because I feel I shouldn't be alone so much and shouldn't enjoy it so much.

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